Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed where I’ll be straight with you guys, and just tell you half of this thing is more Coachella. Because if there’s one thing rich cockholes need its TWO full weekends of acting high in VIP areas and finding inventive new ways to display your ass wares to the masses. Away from fake music festivals, we’ve got Sarah Jessica Parker taking Selena Gomez under her hoof wing, and Denise Richards looking about ten pounds away from Karen Carpentering herself, which honestly would still leave her more qualified to parent than Charlie Sheen.
What? I listen to that Christmas album every year, I’m allowed to make that joke,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
II. Pre-purchase identification
A Kardashian must always be viewed from the hindquarters for the best price determination. These guidelines will help ascertain precisely which sister you’re bidding on and how to differentiate the three: More »
Jon Hamm is the cover interview for the May issue of Men’s Fitness who I’ll just assume has a monthly feature called “Zen And The Art of Letting People See Your Dick.” Less importantly (You read that.), he takes a crack at Justin Bieber for being a stupid little shithead surrounded by yes men. Via Radar:
Hamm’s on-set injuries are nothing, though, compared with the damage he sees young Hollywood talent inflicting upon themselves.
“Look at Bieber or whoever,” he says. “You’re like, ‘What the fuck, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame.”
What young celebs like that really need, Hamm says, “is a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, shithead!’ You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish? Life skills are something we’re missing.
“There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just shit you needed to learn in life.”
And now for the part where he finishes me off: More »
In case anyone’s in the mood for nipples frolicking through a hazy field from 800 yards away, here’s Lea Michele shooting a music video over the weekend where her top kept falling down because God smites awful people who should never be Batman. That being said, before anyone else points out that her gut looks like a goddamn murder scene, keep in mind, Lea Michele just had a miscarriage. Or am I thinking of a different horrible cunt? I should really make flash cards.
Photos: INFphoto, Pacific Coast News
If you’ve noticed a sudden freshness to the air along with a general feeling of improved health across America, Miley Cyrus has officially canceled the remaining US dates of her Bangerz tour before she even got a chance to blow Teddy Roosevelt. Theoretically, the tour will resume in August once she’s recovered from an allergic reaction to antibiotics, but that’s if you believe the official story, and not the real one which is she miscarried Billy Ray Cyrus‘ baby. All the cool kids are doing it.
Photos: CYVR/AKM-GSI, Getty
Now that Tila Tequila‘s done doing InfoWars porn – and actual porn – it’s time to resort to the famewhore spectacle of choice: faking a pregnancy. And if you’re thinking to yourself, wait a minute, didn’t Tila Tequila already try this before? Why, yes, Pete, she did. In fact, not only did Tila pretend to be pregnant back in 2010, she also pretended to have a miscarriage because that’s what pseudo-celebrities with no souls do for attention. You heard me, frecklepuss.