The Crap We Missed – Friday 8.1.14

August 1st, 2014 // 253 Comments

On account of Fish and I bailing to go see a matinee of Guardians of the Galaxy like two strong, straight, sports-loving American men are wont to do, here’s your insanely early and hastily tossed together The Crap We Missed, because if I know one thing, it’s that I need to get the large pretzel bites, because I’ll ask him if he’s going to have any, he’ll say no, but then when I get the small, next thing I know half of them are gone and I’ll say “Why didn’t you just get your own?” and he’ll be all “You can just say I’m fat, I know that’s what you’re thinking.” and he’ll post a “feeling depressed” status with no message explaining it to his FB page and just sulk for the entire movie you guys get totally pissed if you have to wait a whole weekend to find out Seal‘s new lady is into assplay.

Catch you on Monday, real jobbers,

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Leonardo DiCaprio Will Squirt You Now

August 1st, 2014 // 17 Comments
I Know Kung Fu
Leonardo DiCaprio Karate
Call Me Fat, Will Ya? HI-YAH! Read More »

If you’ve been to other sites this week – Slut. – you’ve probably seen the top pic of a shirtless Leonardo DiCaprio gleefully playing with a squirt gun. And now here’s the complete set which we had to do some “things” to obtain. Things that I really don’t want to talk about, so let’s just get this last part over with: Jonah Hill is totally the Harvey Keitel to Leo’s DeNiro. Sometimes when I see them together, it’s like I’m watching Mean Streets or just two really close friends who genuinely want to be with each other and not wishing the other person wasn’t there. I don’t want to jinx it, but they might even get married. *goes through pics again* Yup, that was worth it.


Maitland Ward’s In A Bikini

August 1st, 2014 // 16 Comments

There’s always a handful of you who go ape-nuts whenever Maitland Ward pops up in The Crap We Missed, so here she is in a bikini yesterday in case you’re interested in photographs where it looks like she shit her pants at the beach. And this is the Internet, so of course you are. Some of you specifically requested it. (Sorry, I couldn’t deliver on the beanie propeller. There were… “complications.”)

Photos: Splash News

Good Morning, Chrissy Teigen’s Almost Nipple Slip, And Other News

August 1st, 2014 // 7 Comments

- Brangelina sext each other handwritten-style, baby. [Lainey Gossip]

- Kirstie Alley got Maksim Chmerkovskiy labeled a suppressive person. [Dlisted]

- I really need my own fest. Or just sexy, stretchy girls. [theCHIVE]

- JWoww doesn’t want to turn into Margaret Cho again. [Fishwrapper]

- Here’s what happens when you put Cannabis Lube in your vagina. [The Frisky]

- Pregnant Zoe Saldana‘s got ass. [Popoholic]

- Katy Perry‘s breasts made a new video. [Starpulse]

- Kendall Jenner doesn’t let Kim Kardashian come to her runway shows. [tooFab]

- Selena Gomez says she never banged Orlando Bloom. [IDLYITW]

- Draya Mitchell belongs in tight jeans. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Goddamn, Sly Stallone‘s wife. [Celebslam]

- Oh, good, Bethenny Frankel‘s nipples. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

Those Are Selena Gomez’s Ass Cheeks

July 31st, 2014 // 31 Comments

Photo Boy and I are catching Guardians of The Galaxy in the morning, so almost like she sensed we could really use eight billion pageviews to justify beefing an entire business day, here’s Selena Gomez wearing tiny shorts with her ass cheeks hanging out. Which just goes to show how deep of a connection we have. These are practically an invitation to break into her house and use her toothbrush again. It’d be rude of me not to.

Photos: FameFlynet

And Now For The Time Chris Pratt Showed Amy Poehler His Penis

July 31st, 2014 // 10 Comments
Amy Poehler Chris Pratt
WATCH: Chris Pratt Flashed Amy Poehler On 'Parks & Rec'

Jimmy Fallon has completely turned me off to NBC late night talk shows because instead of actually engaging his guests in interesting conversations, he just makes them do a bunch of stupid viral bullshit so millennials will Tumblr/reddit/Tindrgrind it the next morning. (Por ejemplo.) Which is how I completely missed this Chris Pratt clip from Late Night With Seth Meyers until just now even though it efficiently mops the floor with the James Franco post I put up early today. So forget that even happened and enjoy this tale of penises flying in defiance of corporate brass, and the poor Amy Poehlers who have to react to them.

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The Crap We Missed – Thursday 7.31.14

July 31st, 2014 // 235 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, your daily repository for Hepatitus jokes (Haha! That dock has it now!) and pretending you wouldn’t happily die under the crushing weight of whatever Coco‘s ass is filled with. Is it racist if I guess Kool-Aid? But don’t stop there. Go ahead and take a stab (literally, please, if you get the opportunity) at Chris Brown‘s new gold teeth, Leo‘s new vice that has surprisingly nothing to do with vaginas attached to beautiful women, and Maitland Ward‘s basically naked cosplay.

“There’s no way they let her wear that! *breathes into bag* You can see her nipp– *passes out, crushes almost finished cardboard TARDIS replica*” – Everyone who misses the entire point of everything.

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Justin Bieber’s With Michelle Rodriquez Now

July 31st, 2014 // 26 Comments

Presumably because Zac Efron lacked too many of the soft, feminine features Michelle Rodriguez desires in a mate (Read: Vagina. He didn’t have a vagina.), here’s Justin Bieber partying with her in Ibiza yesterday because fucking with other people’s exes has been going great for him so far. Then again, TMZ says he’s actually there banging model Shanina Shaik, except that information can fuck itself because it won’t end with Cara Delevingne beating Justin Bieber down harder than Orlando Bloom ever could. Which is probably the most realistic scenario I’ve ever written on this site. You can print it out and hang it in the Smithsonian, and people will be like, “Yes, that occurred in our history. During Neil Armstrong’s moon walk. I remember it well.”

Photos: Xposure / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

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